I want to cry but I can’t…

We were at a friend’s house today – yes, my maid and I. It was a birthday party and it was fun and all but something wasn’t right for me. No offense to the birthday celebrant because it was indeed a great party. Lots of food and drinks and nice conversation.

Today was the first day some of my friends heard about my breakup with my boyfriend. Some were shocked and some, not so shocked. There were trying to rationalize with me and some are saying that I need closure. They wanted me to cry and let it all out… but I can’t. It feels as if I’ve lost all kinds of emotions. The feeling was, to put it bluntly – BLAH!

I was telling them the story of when my mom passed away. I saw her the Wednesday before and we had a great conversation. It was a conversation I will never forget. I was rushing as always because I had lots of things to do… and I felt guilty because every time I visit her, I was always rushing rushing rushing! When I said goodbye, I kissed her gently on her cheek (she’s paralyzed on her left side). She reached out with her right arm, pulled me and said, “I love you!” We are all Filipinos and you know how we treat those words.. it’s very foreign. It feels weird to say, “I love you!” to your brother or your sister, let alone your parents. That’s just the way it was with my generation. But in any case, I responded – “I love you too, Nay!”.

Friday night came and my nephew from New York couldn’t sleep – he was bored and wanted to come to Maryland where I lived at the time. He drove, last minute and arrived in Maryland at 1:00 a.m. We talked and laughed for a couple of hours and decided to go to bed at 3:00 a.m. At 5:30 a.m., the phone rang. It was my sister from New York. She was screaming and telling me why I wasn’t answering her calls. She told me that my mom had passed. Imagine my shock when my sister from New York is calling me when my mom’s nursing home is located 20 minutes away from where I lived.

I got up – woke my nephews up and drove to the hospital. We got there and my mom was surrounded by my sisters, my sister-in-law and my brother was outside walking around. It was an unimaginable scene. They tried to revive her but they couldn’t. Her heart had failed. She was laying there with her hospital gown still stained with whatever chemicals and ointments they used to try to revive her. I was in utter shock. I couldn’t cry. Everyone around me were in tears even my brother whom I rarely see with tears in his eyes.

During the whole time we were there, even after we got home – I still couldn’t cry. My mom means the world to me and somehow, I just couldn’t get myself to believe that she’s gone. Up to this day – and this was over ten years ago – I still haven’t let it all out.

I have the same feeling right now… he means the world to me but I cannot cry because he’s gone. I somehow couldn’t accept it – maybe? Or is it me? I must have built walls around me after my mom passed that I cannot get myself to release the pain. I am not here.. I am not feeling anything…

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