The past couple of weeks gave me a lot of time to think. A lot of time to re-evaluate the past, the present and the future. Is this what happens when you get locked-in beyond your own choosing? Well, maybe it is what happens and I’m glad it did.
If you noticed the header on this blog, there’s a couple of photos (full live site – not the mobile version). I decided to reveal the blogger behind the blog. Why? Because from my past, I didn’t want to reveal what I thought and what I desire to the entire universe. The painful recovery from my surgery in the last eighteen days and twenty-four minutes (who’s counting?!) made me realize something that I’ve always known – Life is to darn short. There’s no need to hide! What is there to hide? I’m a person who is going through life like the rest of you. The revelation for me translates to, “Who the f**k cares?”
And until you get tired of me talking about episodes of Sex and the City, I’m going to keep talking about it I’m on Season 4, disc 3, episode 8. “My Motherboard, My Self”. It’s when Miranda’s mother suddenly dies and led each and everyone of her friends to see things in a different light.
After surgery, and in pain even with prescribed Percocets and Valium, I wondered what people with terminal illness feel. Do they get into depression because they don’t see an end to the suffering and the pain? Or do they put their chin up and say to themselves that they’ve lived a good life and everything is well and good if they go? Those thoughts made me think of my past. Had I been a good enough person to everyone I met along my way? At times I can’t say I had but there were times I can say I tried.
Friends do come and friends do go. Friends fight like Miranda, Carrie, Samantha and Charlotte. All throughout the series, they’ve shown how true friendship really mean. You’re there for the bad and you’re there for the good. So, when Miranda’s mother died and Samantha couldn’t find the right words to say, I got her. She didn’t know how to express grief. I surely don’t know how. When my mom died, I didn’t even cry. I couldn’t.
The scene at the church in Philadelphia during the funeral when Samantha felt the moment and finally looked at Miranda and whispered, “I’m sorry.” and received a gesture of “Thank you.” back, I bawled. I felt like Samantha felt. The time finally came for her to grieve. That made me think of my present.
Yes, I’ve developed friends in my life. I’ve loved them, I’ve fought with them. Some I still talk to and some I don’t talk to anymore. Either we lost touch, parted ways in bad terms or whatever reasons may have caused the friendship to fall apart. All of them, including the ones whom I don’t speak to anymore meant something to me at some point in my life. I have been shaped to become the person that I am today because I’ve interacted with them. I’ve learned lessons and I continue to learn. There are friends I would meet again someday and feel that distance or time have not succeeded in pulling us apart. And there are the ones who doesn’t matter how many feet away we are will never have the same relationship ever again. That’s how it rolls. We don’t choose it. It happens.
Meanwhile, in all of these thoughts I realized something. I do have to forgive. I don’t have to forget because what had transpired between these friends and I had a lesson for me to learn. That made me think of my future.
If, one day – God forbid! – I had to go suddenly, I want to make sure that I’ve asked forgiveness to the people whom I had done wrong to and have forgiven the people who I believe had wronged me.
So today, I am pressing three buttons in my life. Control + Alt + Forgive. It’s time for a reboot.