Alright! I’m sick of
talking writing about it too. Two decades too late to be crying or laughing while watching Sex and the City. Or is it? Everything they did and said are still relevant today! I’m a bit emotional because I watch these episodes and I act like a lunatic! I’d be rolling on the floor laughing one moment, and I’ll be soaked in tears a few episodes later.
My regular readers know how I have lost faith in love. Love to me does not exist. The kind of love that we were taught to look up to. That’s why there are fairy tales. It was meant to mask the reality of what relationships are all about. It’s a ton of hard work and less sex. (Unless you go outside the relationship).
What can I say? I have been jaded by my own experiences and the experiences of people who surround me. One day, they are the perfect couple in the world and the next day, they have either broken up or GKW! (god-knows-what!). Even if one of us finds the right man who would offer us the world, we still run away like Carrie ran away from Aidan. Is that the human make up? Are we suppose to flee from the ones who truly show their love for us?
I have neglected love for a long time since my last break up. That last break up was not a real bad break up. It was bad but we both learned and understood that it was not the right partnership. We dealt with it and we’re still friends. Since then, I hadn’t thought of entering another relationship or even think that I deserve one. Because like Aidan, that guy tried to give me everything and I took the easiest route there is – – flee.
I am reading Bethany Frankel’s book called “A Place of Yes” and I am learning a lot from reading her book. It’s borderline humor / self-help book and I am really enjoying it. One thing that I took away from it was the products of our experiences. Our experiences in our lives creates noises. But innately, we were given inner voices to guide us through. It’s either you listen to the noise, or you listen to the voice. I think we recognize the noises in our lives. If you are needy. That’s a noise. If you can’t forgive. That’s a noise. If you’re always angry. That’s a noise. But for each noise, there is that inner voice that tells you to do the opposite. It’s just harder sometimes for us to make that choice. It’s like choosing between a cesar salad with light dressing and a big fat steak when you’re on a diet. It’s always easier to follow what we’re used to and what comforts us because we know it. Often enough, I’ve listened to the noises in my life.
Recently, I met a guy in a very unconventional way. He’s not from a personal ad I’ve placed or any of the apps available on any iPhone. I met him because of my blog. Yes. This blog. We’ve exchanged emails, BBMs, and even had a phone conversation once on the phone. There is something there but I don’t want to believe it. That’s my noise. The voice wants me to be like Charlotte; the one who always believed that love does exist. How can I when the noise is so loud telling me that it’s not real. That all this flirting and emails and conversations mean nothing.
I do know of a couple who found each other who had a hard time dealing with the noises in their heads at first. But once they got through it and listened to the right voices, they made it. They got married last year on December 10th. It will be their first wedding anniversary tomorrow. Right now, they are the only proof I see that true love still exist.
Right now, all I’m trying to do is to fight the noise and let myself believe again. I am like Tinkerbell waiting to hear all of you clap harder to let me know that you believe. I am not hearing them yet. I’m still waiting. Maybe one day. Maybe.