It’s not about what it’s about.


I read this phrase and it resonated with me so much that I can almost agree that it’s the truth!

When you’re angry, it’s not about what it’s really about that you’re mad.

It didn’t make sense to me at first but as I thought about it further, it made a lot of sense.  There have been many times in my life that I got mad at someone for doing something so small that if you analyze it, a normal person wouldn’t be upset about it at all.  Like a friend of mine, who likes to visit me at home.  I make him dinner, we have fun, we watch movies, and it’s always fun having him around so I invite him all the time.  But what he does when he’s at my home annoys me.

Have you ever had a guest in your home who will (knowingly or unknowingly) litter your home with stuff.  Let’s say I offered him chocolates.  He will eat the chocolate but leave the wrapper on the coffee table or the kitchen counter.  I don’t do that when I’m at his house but he does it every time he’s at my house.  There were moments when he will use the bathroom, open the medicine cabinet and leave it open like that’s how he found it.  Those are annoying things.

One day, I had a fight with him not because of that but because of something that he said to me that was a little hurtful.  I exploded big time and he couldn’t understand why.  Why?  It’s because of those little petty stuff that I was annoyed with that I never told him about.  It was eating at me slowly until the big trigger comes.  Then, the person just explodes.

That’s exactly what happened on a Saturday night out I had with friends.  We were having a blast.  We were drinking a little, having fun with conversations and joking around, dancing on the dance floor, flirting with people.  It was really a nice, lite evening.  Then after the fun, we went to get something to eat and from left-of-center, here comes that “You are this and you are that and you always do this and blah blah blah!”   I was caught by surprise.  Whatever triggered this anger on?

I confronted the accusations because I was sober (thank God!) and cited my reasons one-by-one.  Not excuses but reasons in why I did the things I did.  Perception is key in relationships (friendships).  You have to make sure that the perception of you is the exact perception you are portraying.  Any disconnect from it can cause big time problems.

In the end, he was crying and told me that he was angry with life.  He was angry because his dad passed away and he could not mourn him.  He was angry because of other things in the household that is affecting his personal relationships.  He was taking out this anger on everyone and it’s making him feel alone and miserable.  And like they said, “It’s really not what it’s about, is it?”

I like taking my own advice.  So I told him that he should be honest with his emotions.  Looking happy when you’re miserable inside is not the solution.  Pretending to be positive when you’re dying inside can cause you a lot!  So, if you anyone out there is reading this, there’s only one thing you have to do.  Be honest.  Tell people how you feel. When you are asked, “What’s wrong?”
, don’t say, “Nothing.”  Show them that you’re mad because they left the candy wrapper on the coffee table when he could have easily put in the trash can.  Don’t let little things compile and create a nuclear bomb inside that could one day explode and ruin the friendships and relationships around you.

Talk it out.  It’s the only way.

Good night.

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