I am exhausted.

l-Exhausted-cat-is-exhausted

l-Exhausted-cat-is-exhausted

I am completely done.  Today was supposed to be a Sunday spent relaxing and enjoying my day off without anything planned.  I did all my errands yesterday, laundry was done and folded, cleaned the living room and kitchen.  I was feeling pretty good that today will be a day of rest.

That assumption quickly turned into a nightmarish kind of day.  I have been feeling anxious all day and I didn’t know how else to rid of the anxiety but to write my feelings down.  I always feel a lot better if I write my feelings down.  I feel like I can no longer contain the emotions I feel inside and I have to share it.   Otherwise, I will explode.

I work full time, and going to school part-time.  I also maintain my blogs and since I live on my own – I also do what every single person does in order to survive living by yourself.  You do your own chores, you take your clothes to the dry cleaners, you shop for your own groceries and you take care of the little stuff like setting up doctor’s appointments and minding your own health.  To keep you healthy, you also have to exercise regularly so I try and do that as well (although not as much as I would like to).  It’s a full life. A full plate. I am busy.   And to say that I’m spread out way too thin is an understatement.

I have a lot of stress at work and school.  I try to maintain a balance.  I’ve let go of keeping up with cleaning my house on a regular basis because I can’t do it all.  I try to maintain what I can and even that is exhausting. So, for me, my only outlet to having some kind of escape is to hang out with friends.  (My family lives 2.5 hours away from me)  And since I’ve lived most of my life away from my family, my friends have really become my family.  You count on them when you’re in need and vice versa.  When I was hospitalized for a minor surgery, my friends came to the rescue. When I needed someone in the middle of the night, I called my friends and they rallied together to get to me. True friends just do that.  No questions asked.

There comes a time in our lives when we start to question the reasons why we keep certain friendships.  A friend of mine years ago, was way beyond his time because he did the friend elimination process very early on in his life.  He said that he didn’t need a lot of acquaintances or friends on a superficial level.  He picked and chose which friends he was going to continue to keep and grow old with.  The rest, he let go.  At that time, I thought it was harsh.  Why would you eliminate a friend simply because he has not called you in a few months?  Or, someone who has not attended any of your invites in the past year?  Or, a friend who doesn’t include you in the important events of their lives?   They must have their reasons right?  Or so I thought.

Here I am, in the same stage that my friend was at 10-years or so ago.  I am re-thinking what friendship really means.  Is it the nights out and having fun all through the night at bars meaningful enough to keep the friendship?  Is it the simple gesture of visiting you at the hospital when you were ill?  Or was it that birthday treat that you received from your friends that meant something to you?   Do they really care enough about you that if today, you were stripped of everything that you have, will they stick around?   Questions like these enter my mind now.  What does true friendship really mean?

I wish I knew the answer.  Many friends have betrayed friends.  I don’t want to ride on a high horse and say that I have not done so.  I’m sure a lot of people will disagree if I do.  Unintentionally, maybe but either way, I am sure that I am guilty of it as well.  But where do we draw the line?  Is it a three-strikes-you’re-out kind of deal?  Or was the first offense enough to hold that grudge and never forgive?  And there are friends who were loyal before but have betrayed you recently.  Do you now discount their past loyalty?  Even St. Peter denied Jesus three times and yet, he was still forgiven.  In fact, he was forgiven enough that he was entrusted the keys to heaven.

Gossips and petty things can ruin friendships.  People will start to talk about things that do not hold true simply because they are mad at something.  They will gather all the ammunitions they can gather to take down anyone.  If you continue to participate in these types of interactions, you are part of the problem.  Not part of the solution. It’s called BULLYING. And this is where I am today. Should I continue to be a part of something that creates nothing but animosity?  Pretend with deaf ears that these things aren’t happening? My gut tells me that I should not.

Believe me, I am fortunate to have had the friends that I’ve had in the last whatever years.  I am grateful for all that they’ve done and what memories I share with them.  At this juncture in my life, I think I’m entitled to choose whether to be free of the toxic environment that I am in or continue on.   I am simply exhausted.  I cannot add more stress in my life any more than what I already have.

I have not been the most perfect friend either.  I’m sure if you ask my friends to choose that quality friends they want to retain, I may not be a choice to a handful of them.  And that is alright.  We cannot please everyone.  There are so-called friends whom you’ve told your deepest secrets to, yet they just cannot wait for the time to come when they can use those against you. Ironic isn’t it?

When the process starts, you will know because I will keep my distance from you.  I don’t mean to offend anyone.  This is a stage I must pass.  I don’t need truckloads of people at my funeral, filled with people who barely know and care about me.  I would prefer to have a handful whom I know have been there for me when I needed them the most.  The most important thing is that when you make the choice, is that you keep the right ones.

Ahhhh.  I feel better already.  Good night.

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